times I will read an article or a blog that makes me realize I don’t have to
write on that subject because someone has already done a better job than I
could have done. The below articles are
from Chap Bettis, a pastor, speaker, and author on
biblical parenting, and Tim Challies, pastor and Christian blogger.
both write about a phenomenon they notice in today’s churches. The phenomenon
of parents that are resistant or
reluctant to receive and be given parenting advice in the church. I am thankful
and honored every time a parent asks me for wisdom, for many reasons, but many
times because I know that it is a rare gift to speak into someone’s life. It is a rare gift that shouldn’t be that rare
in the church. Bettis and Challies give explanations for why they think this is
and I think both are right.
highly recommend that we all read these articles. They aren’t just for parents. They are for those whose kids are now out of
the home. Our young parents need those
that have gone before them. If we want
our next generation to be equipped and supported so that they know and love
Jesus Christ, then we need to know how to disciple them in both a formative and
corrective way. Which means we need
parents that know how to form and correct their children as they disciple them,
which means our parents need someone to form and correct their parenting. We
aren’t meant to do this Christian life thing alone. This is actually one area that our some of
our parents can learn from our single parents.
Our single parents are usually much better at asking for wisdom and
advice from older people in the church.
will end by saying this. I don’t know how much Sarah and I have done right in our
life, but I do know that one of the things that we did right was to ask older people
to speak into our lives about our marriage and parenting. And when they did, we
promised to receive what they had to say knowing they were people that loved
us. We decided to be unoffendable in our
pursuit of discipleship. Sarah and I are eternally grateful for people that
came into our lives that were able to guide us in our parenting. People who I can still name and call on. I will continue to be grateful for those
people that the Lord puts in our life that will help us through the next
season. We need each other. We need the
covenant-community-of-the-unoffendable-because-they-are secure-in-Christ. Parenting is hard enough that we shouldn’t
try to do it without our brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers in the Lord.
this article. And then read this article about that article. And then you will
better understand my article about an article about an article.
My favorite part of being a Family
Pastor at Community Bible Church is when parents trust me enough on their
journey to becoming the primary-discipleship maker in the life of their
children, to ask for my advice. It is
something I always take seriously and never want to be flippant about the
wisdom that I give them – I pray it is wisdom a majority of the time. I want to point them to Jesus, the good news
of the gospel, how to apply that good news, and the Bible.
There are times that I get questions that my answer actually surprises parents. Sometimes Biblical wisdom goes against the natural reaction to protect our children that all parents have. Which is why I say that we have to be careful not to save our children from things that Jesus doesn’t save them from.
Here are 3 areas that I see parents
try to save their children:
It is back to school time and we
all know what that means. School drama. Rejection of some sort. We have all
felt the sting of rejection, some more than others. We remember what it was like to get picked
last on the team, or wear the wrong brand of shoes, or simply not fit it. We have all probably been laughed at by
someone we thought was our friend. Truth
is that we all know the sting of rejection.
And when our kids come home from school with that sting of rejection
causing a spiritual anaphylactic shock, we too often reach for our emotional
epi-pens to try to calm and protect the hearts of our children. Maybe we try to build our kids up in telling
them how great we think they are and how lame we think the other kids are for
making fun of them. But protecting our
children from rejection won’t help them.
As Christians we know we will face rejection. It is promised to us; even more so as the
days get darker. So instead of trying to
put a self-esteem bubble around our children, we need to help them learn how to
walk through rejection with confidence in the Lord and confidence of his
presence. The good news of the gospel assures us of God’s presence in the midst
of rejection and that he sees us.
“If the world hates you, know that
it has hated me before it hated you.” John 15:18
“More than that, we rejoice in our
sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces
character, and character produces hope.” Romans 5:3
Another area that I see parents trying
to protect their children from is by minimizing their children’s sin. This is how I typically hear or see a parent
describe it to me:
Parent of a 5-year-old: “My
son/daughter has a real hard time when we call them out for something that they
have done. They usually get really sad
and sullen and start crying out that they are “So bad. I am so bad, mommy.”
Me: “How do you respond?”
Parent: “I try to comfort my
child that what they did was wrong, but it wasn’t that bad and they don’t need
to be crushed by it.”
This is where I usually try to
tip-toe into a massive truth that we all need to grasp, and it is this:
We are all worse/more bad/more
sinful than we realize.
Now, a child could be communicating
this for a couple of reasons. One is
that they actually feel bad about what they’ve done, and they are expressing
it. Or they are trying to manipulate the
situation. They are trying to get you,
the parent, to focus more on consoling them and less about their offense.
The truth is this: your children
are worse than you think. They are worse
than they think. So when they are
expressing their “badness”, don’t try to make them feel better by minimizing
their offense or by protecting them from feeling guilt or shame. Instead, agree with them about their sin,
without any tone of rebuke, and then introduce them once again to the good news
of Jesus Christ. Jesus, of course, saves
our children from their own sin. That is
the beauty of the gospel, but he doesn’t save them from understanding their
need for the gospel. He doesn’t shy away
from showing us our need for Him comes out of our own rebellion to the Father.
We are all bad. They are actually
expressing a biblical truth, one that is fundamental to the gospel.
“All we like sheep have gone astray; we have
turned – everyone- to his own way” Isaiah 53:6
“If you, O Lord, should mark
iniquity, O Lord who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness, that you
may be feared.” Psalm 130:3-4
“but God shows his love for us
in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans5:8
Every so often, maybe at the death
of a loved one or even the death of a family pet, children may begin to ask
about death. “What does it mean that we
die?” “What happened to grandpa?” “Will I die?”
For so much of their life, children
live with an invincible view of themselves and the world. They don’t think about death because it
doesn’t enter their mind. Their life is
often too busy or, frankly, self-absorbed to think about death.
At some point, though, children
might begin to ask about death and too often parents don’t want their children
to worry or be anxious. So, parents will tell them “Don’t worry about
that. You have a long time until you
have to worry about death. Grandpa was old and lived a good life. It was his time.”
But in reality, it is not until our
children begin to think deeply about the consequence of being mortal that they
can begin to understand the deeper scope of the good news. Death makes the gospel more real, even to a
child. And besides, none of us can
promise our children a long life. That’s
not in our power to promise.
Instead, we can give our children a
taste of an ever-expanding view of the beauty of the gospel.
“Daddy, will I die?”
“Yes, son. You will.
I don’t know when. But it will happen. Does that make you afraid?”
“It makes me afraid sometimes
too. But that is why I have to remind
myself of what Jesus Christ did on the cross.
And that he tells me that I will have an everlasting life with him. That if I have faith in Him that nothing can
separate me from him. Not even death.”
“Even though I walk though the
valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” Psalm
“For I am sure that neither
death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, not things to come,
nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be
able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
To summarize all of these examples
in one statement: Try not to protect your children from things the Bible asks
you to help them walk through, not around.
And the way we walk through it with our children is by showing them how
the good news applies in all areas of our life, even rejection, sin, and death.
Do you remember the Charlie Brown
character Pig-Pen from the famous Peanuts
cartoon strip? He was Charlie Brown’s friend, who always seemed to have a cloud
of dust following him where ever he went.
He could never get clean. There
was one time he was able to get clean, but as soon as he went outside, he
instantly became dirty, declaring himself “A dust magnet.”
Most days as a father to 4
children, I think that we might have given birth to 4 Pig-Pens. Often it is not dust that seems to be
radiating and originating from my children, although that will change as Summer
gets closer. No, my children seem to be swirled in a dust cloud of their own
things. Crayons and Legos, empty juice
boxes and used sucker sticks, goldfish crackers and socks.
You might suspect that my wife and
I have never taught our children what and where trash bins are in our house. Or
you might think that we prefer dirty clothes to sit for days in the first spot
they land, not in the dirty hamper. Or
you might suspect that we prefer our children to take off their shoes and to
make getting anywhere on time more fun by playing that stress-free game of
“Where did my other shoe end up?” You would be wrong. We really try to teach our kids about trash
bins, clothes hampers, and how to put their shoes away. Alas, somedays it feels like our kids our Pig-Pen. They are just “dust, Lego, crayon, empty
juice box, goldfish crackers in the couch cushion” magnets.
A few weeks I came home to some creation
sitting on our side table. It was a
penny and peppermint glued inside a small coin box that I got my children on my
last trip to Costa Rica. The box was
held up by a Lego man. When I asked my
kids what in the world this thing was, my youngest told me, as if I was crazy
for not recognizing it at first sight, that it was clearly, a “Leprechaun
Trap”. Of course, a Leprechaun trap! How could I not have known?
Or this last week, as the weather
was getting warmer, I came home to my kids outside with craft supplies making
something. All I could think about at
the time was how much of that stuff will I have to pick up. Who is going to leave the glue out? How
many-colored pencils will be left out and how many will be put back in the box?
Why do they have tape, and will they not ever make a mess?
It was later that night however
that I went into our master bathroom and there on the mirror was taped a piece
of paper from one of my kids. It read:
Mom and Dad, I love you guys.
(I+ drawn heart+ drawn stick figures to represent my wife and I)
Here (Heres) some flowers for good luck.
And taped to the paper where two flowers (probably weeds)
That paper is still up in our
bathroom today. And it reminded me of an
interesting verse in Proverbs.
“Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox.”Proverbs 14:4
This may seem like an interesting
verse to think about, but I think it has a lot to do with family life and
ministry to the family.
Oxen are dirty, they are expensive,
and they are time consuming. But if you
want a harvest you must have them. There
was no getting around this for the ancient Israelites. You can have a clean feeding trough (manger)
or you can have abundant crops. But you
really can’t have both.
We live in a world that continually
tries to tell families that they can have it all. That you can have the perfect house, the perfect
kids, the perfect vacation, the perfect on and on and on. And we are constantly bombarded by these
images through entertainment, commercials, and social media. It even has a name online, it’s called the
“curated life”. Curated means selected, organized,
and presented using professional or expert knowledge. People have even started posting about their
curated messy-life, which is just a form of emotional showmanship that
masquerades itself as vulnerability. God’s wisdom tells us this. Life is messy. You can’t avoid it. But there is a harvest that can come with the
The glorious thing is that God cares
so much for us. He cares about the small
things in life and he cares about the big things. He knew ancient farmers would worry about
barns and troughs that never could get cleaned.
He cares about moms and dads, at work and at home, caring for their
families in 1,000 different ways.
Life is messy and Life is beautiful,
and life is somehow beautiful because it is messy. And that sentence wouldn’t make any sense if
it weren’t for the Good News of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Who makes something
beautiful out our of mess.
Because every so often, out of the mess, you might get something like this:
One of the things that I tell my children is that they are of the age right now where their mom and I give them a lot of wisdom. Or maybe more accurately, we give them a lot of knowledge that we pray will lead them to wisdom as they grow up. We also try to teach them, however, that there is a day coming as they grow into adults where we won’t give them wisdom. They will have to ask for it.
The reason for this isn’t because we want to withhold anything good from them. The reason for this is that we know that as they mature into adults, there are things, we can’t force them to understand or appreciate. They will need to want wisdom for it to matter to them.
The Book of Proverbs is packed full of this same idea. The father is pleading to his son to “treasure up my commandments with you.” He is pleading with his son to incline his ear and heart towards wisdom and understanding. The father wants to both give his son wisdom while at the same time encourages his son to be the type of person that hungers for more wisdom.
I know that there are many in the church that still hunger for wisdom. I hear it all the time from people.
The reason for this blog today, though, is to ask the question: Do we seek wisdom out? More plainly put do we ask for wisdom from mature brothers and sisters in the faith? I think one of the problems is that we have forgotten or have never been taught is that wisdom is something we need to ask for. We need to ask for wisdom and then go seek it out. I love how the Proverbs puts this bluntly and plainly in 4:7, “The beginning of wisdom is this: Get Wisdom.”
Some of you might say, “I do ask for wisdom. I pray daily for God to give me wisdom all the time.”
Great! That is a great first step but is by far not the only step. Ask, yes. James 1:5 makes this clear, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.”
Here is the example I see most often. A group of people will be standing around talking. One person will begin to talk about a situation in their life, maybe with their extended family, their friends, a situation at work, or maybe with a spouse. They discuss the situation at length. They come to the end of their story and they are done. Finished. Usually the other person in the conversation will talk about a similar situation in their life. They might tell that person they are sorry that they are going through that and may even offer to pray for that person. What is unclear is whether that person wanted wisdom or just wanted to tell someone else that story. What happens often is the other person in the conversation may have some wisdom to give but feels like there was never an open door given to begin to speak into that situation. Often the person sharing the story may want someone to speak into the situation, but they have never asked directly for them to do so. They may end by asking the person to pray for them, which of course is needed. But we neglect an important means of grace that God has given us – the church… each other!
Any of us that are a bit socially aware will know that it is very hard and vulnerable to try to dive in and give advice where someone doesn’t want it or ask for it. It can close the friendship. If we are truthful with ourselves, we sometimes don’t ask even though we want wisdom because we don’t want to be held accountable whether we follow through or not.
Being heard is very popular sentiment in our day. Having someone know you and share in your story is important and valuable. But I am afraid that our social media, entertainment driven society has placed a great emphasis on being heard at the loss of us, as a body of believers, remembering how to ask each other for wisdom. Our social media society has also made it easier for us to ask for advice from too many of the wrong people, often without context, without responsibility for the words they speak or the advice they give.
Ask any biblical counselor and they will tell you that even when they know what the Bible says to apply to a certain situation, they come at it with great care and caution to make sure that it is heard and understood correctly. Flippant advice on the internet from some “friend” you haven’t seen since high school carries none of that burden.
There is great maturity and humility in going to mature people in the faith and asking them for wisdom about a situation. The reason isn’t because the word of God isn’t sufficient for us. It is. But this very Word tells us to ask for counsel and advice from godly believers in the faith.
The Proverbs are filled with pleas and promises to seek out counsel. Here are just a few of the many examples.
“Where there is no guidance, a people fall, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” Proverbs 11:14
“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” 12:15
“Without counsel plans fail but with many advisers they succeed.” Proverbs 15:22
“Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.” Proverbs 19:20
(See also 24:6, 20:18, 13:10)
That is why it is so important that we learn to ask.
Where do we go for wisdom?
We pray for it. Yes. (James 1:5)
We go to the Word of God. Always! (2 Timothy 3:15-17)
We go to the people of God-the church. Yes. And we ask directly from mature believers and give them the opportunity to speak into our lives. Because even as we read the word and are being transformed by the Spirit, we remember that there is a temptation:
“There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.” Proverbs 16:25
Another reason we go to mature believers in Christ, is because that is exactly what the body of Christ is for. We are called into community together. We are called to bear each other’s burdens together. We are called to alleviate each other’s burdens where we can.
The beauty of this all is amazing. Once you begin to ask for wisdom more and more you will find people who become more invested in your life. As you ask and they speak, you will begin to find the church a more beautiful and safer place. You will begin to see that you are surrounded by people who will fight the fight of faith with you. Who will care enough about you to speak to you when they see you drifting towards sin. And you will begin to flourish in a church where you know that you and you alone are not the only one running the same race.
And it can all start as simply as
“Would you please be willing to give me some wisdom with…”
There was a young Student Pastor, named Blake Jorem. And he had an idea for a student summer trip. Blake gathered all the parents for a special meeting to discuss the trip and go over the details. His plan was simple, he thought. He would take the students from Church of the Biblical Community on a trip to New York City. The trip’s purpose was to give the students, 6th-12th grade, a chance to experience different cultures, visit Rockefeller Plaza and Broadway, see the Statue of Liberty and Central Park, to eat exotic foods and ride the exotic smelling subway.
The trip would be perfect. Every pre-teen and teenager had lamented to anyone who would listen that they hadn’t had a chance to see the Big Apple like all their other friends. Blake thought this trip would be a no-brainer, homerun for the parents. Their kids would get to be included in what all the other kids were doing, it would be a learning experience, and it would afford the parents a break from their children for a while. It would be perfect.
So, the meeting was had, the idea was out there, and it was now time for questions from the parents.
Many of the parents sat quietly for a few moments, letting the announcement of this trip wash over them like the smell of a foreign, open-air market.
And there came a man whose bewilderment could not be squelched any longer.
“Blake”, he said “this trip sounds like it would be fun. How many students are you hoping to take?”
“As many as want to come. I hope over 40.” Blake explained.
“How many chaperones are you thinking about taking?” another Mom quickly asked from the back.
“Chaperones? I hadn’t planned on taking any chaperones. This is a trip that will allow your students to find their own way through New York City.” Blake explained a little puzzled by the question.
“Their own way!” exclaimed several parents in unison.
“Their own way. We are talking about New York City. There is no way I am letting my 6th grade daughter finds her ‘own way’ through a city like that,” said one of the father’s whose calm, but wavering tone was not enough to hide the now bulging vein from his forehead.
Blake could see things had made a turn in a direction he hadn’t fully anticipated. “Listen, Listen,” he explained while trying to quiet the talking amongst the parents.
“I think I have a pretty good idea about the heart and state of your students. We will have a list of all the good places they should go and only those places. We will need to trust our students to make the best decisions. These students need the opportunity to prove they can handle something like this. Other children are doing the same thing. If we don’t give them this opportunity now, don’t you think they will feel deprived later? We have kept the cost of this trip low, so it won’t cost you that much. AND, this trip is sure to keep your children entertained.”
One of the parents had finally had enough. Allen Martin stood up from the back and began to speak calmly, yet resolutely;
“Trust. This is not an issue of trust. This is an issue of parental protection and care. I agree with you that there are many great things to see in a city like New York. But to send my child out into a city like that without me with her would be dangerous and confusing. Yes, it’s first and foremost about protection. There are dangerous places in New York City. There are things that happen in that city that a child cannot un-see. There are things that could happen to her or him that could shape them for the rest of their life. I, frankly, don’t care if every parent in this room thinks it’s okay to send their child to NYC alone. It’s not happening in my house. So, one of my goals as a parent is to protect my child from things I know to be unsafe. New York City has a host of amazing things to see and do. But the rewards are not worth the risks, sending my child there alone with only their peers.
It’s not only about protection, it’s also about interpretation. My child is still growing, still learning, and still figuring out the world. They don’t just need protection from things. They need an adult to help interpret what they are seeing and doing. How are they to know the significance of a place like the Statue of Liberty or the 9.11 Memorial site? They can’t do that on their own. They need us as parents to help them, whether they are 6 or 16. And lastly, they need a mentor to guide them through what an experience like that means for them, at their age and for their own context. I want my child to understand that while NYC is an amazing city, it is also expensive. What if they come back to Low Point, South Carolina believing the false narrative that their life here is boring and mundane in comparison to a life in NYC. That would set them up for a lot of failure and grumbling.
When my oldest daughter learned to drive she learned in stages and is still doing so. She had to study the rules of the road, she had to pass a test, she had to drive only with an adult that could teach her, she had to pass another test, and only then was she able to drive herself, and even then, she had restrictions put on her from the state and from us. It took her several years before she was able to drive by herself. We didn’t just take her to the interstate and turn her loose.
So, Blake, after all that I have said, what makes you think that us parents would go for a trip like this where you left our children alone in a place like New York City?”
Blake stood there for a moment, taking it all in and then simply said,
“I didn’t think any of you would have a problem with this trip after observing the way our students are allowed to use the internet, their smartphones, or social media.”
To be continued…